“sometimes deeper mental clarity
is preceded by great internal storms
healing yourself can be messy
seeing yourself through honesty
can be jarring and tough; it can even
temporarily cause imbalance in your life
it is hard work to open yourself
up to release your burdens
like removing thorns from your body,
it may hurt at first, but it is
ultimately for your highest good
the dark clouds of rainfall are
necessary for new growth.”
― yung pueblo, Inward
I’ve given up on being happy.
Not necessarily in the sense that I no longer believe I am able to feel happiness.
I most certainly do.
As a matter of fact, I am nowadays happier than I care to admit I was in the past months or so.
More so than the inability to feel any happiness whatsoever, I have an overall understanding as to what it is that I want out of life as opposed to when I wanted to be happy.
It has taken a great deal of effort to let go of that childish notion; to admit that I was wrong and that I had been every time I uttered those words to anyone.
Year after year of my life I wanted nothing more than to be happy; forever dedicating my every move, my every thought, my every intention to the thought of it.
After coming to terms to the fact that I was wrong though, I managed to reach a better understanding as to what it is exactly that I was aiming for, and exactly what it is that I want out of life.
I want to be at peace.
Not that this is any easier of a task, mind you. The holy grail of happiness stands as far out of the shores of my island as that of “being at peace”.
This, however, feels closer within my scope of understanding than a perpetual state of happiness.
I can, at times, be at peace with myself and the world around me.
At times I am able to look at the world with brighter eyes.
Stand in front of the mirror with more acceptance of who I am and who I was.
There are days where I find forgiveness in my heart for myself, those around me, and those no longer near.
Often times I find peace and share said peace with those that inhabit this world of mine.
To the people that support my every endeavor; to those that don’t but accept me anyways; to the people in my life (and no longer in it) that believe in what I do (however dreamy or idealistic), thank you. Although at times it’s hard to show it so, I love you all so dearly.
I will find peace, and with peace happiness will more easily find its footing within me.
As I stand today, I am grateful for all that was, and hopeful for all that will be.
That, today, is enough for me to find some peace.
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