Home is Boundless

"We used to look up at the sky and wonder at our place in the stars, now we just look down and worry about our place in the dirt.”

—Cooper, Interstellar (2014)

The difficulty to find a true sense of belonging in a world that is so rich in options is boundless.

And yet we try.

An action or a change of scenery is sure to bring that peace with it.

A walk in the park; a night at a bar; a party at some house; another drink; another person.

A place to belong starts to take so many faces, and it starts to mold into so many different spaces.

Once upon a time I thought I'd find a place where it would all make sense.

The world, and all of its pieces, would fall in place and I would know who I was and who I'm meant to be.

Sometimes that place was a punk show. In fact, it was simply any underground venue where people went to share sweat, a similar taste of music and a sense of community in an enclosed space for a few hours.

Sometimes that place was a football or baseball stadium. A hot dog, a beer and a large group of people focusing our attention on a team of humans chasing a ball always did the trick at making me forget about every day worries.

Sometimes I belonged in parties at basements under rundown houses. The stench of piss combined with the smell of cheap booze brought together a group of people that are unknown everywhere else but in that moment. These parties always had a way of bringing forwards topics of conversation one can only reach at a certain time at night.

Other times those parties would take place at rooftops of buildings that lick the tail of heaven. All the faces of all those well known individuals mixed with all the unknown characters painted a beautiful picture with the city lights on the background. Surely I belonged here where a starry night stood beneath the party itself. In these venues, the noise prompted all sort of mischief, which made the evenings oh so memorable to many.

I made the best of attempts to find a man in cans of beer, packs of cigarettes, cups of coffee, parties and fights.

Sometimes, I would drive away at night to have a better chance of finding myself, and a home. Driving at night was somewhat of a dream, one where I made out figures on the silhouettes of mountains. Past the horizon, before the sun rises, another life awaits.

Maybe once the sun rises, at another venue, another life will rise too.

Maybe another job will do the trick. A better job, more hours, a better pay.

Back in November 2018, San Miguel de Allende seemed like a good place to belong in.

I walked into every possible bar and restaurant that had the toll of a bell reach its doors hoping to find a home or a drink that would make me stop looking. Despite the exquisite culinary trip in such a colorful town, I never stopped drinking.

Later, on July 8th 2019, I exited a bar I found that I belonged in. As I headed home, I thought of an apology I had to give to someone for being who I am. Back then, I was given a promise of a place to belong if (and only IF) I was sorry for being myself.

I did not know then I had nothing to be sorry about.

Instead, I thought I was not smart enough yet to think of the right words.

So a couple days later, on July the 11th, I took a detour from work and life and went on an 18 hour road trip towards Colorado springs.

Amongst trails of green, away from the sea, I was sure to find the man I was.

I drank, met some family, played in parks, played in arcade machines, stopped to look at the water hitting rocks in the river, but found no man anywhere.

Everywhere I looked, I saw a child trying to live an adult life and failing.

I contemplated staying there and build a home away from home.

But I couldn't run away from a home to build another if I didn't know what it meant to have one in the first place.

How could I know what home was if I didn't know who I was?

So I returned and made a better effort whenever I looked in the mirror.

I decided to look at myself and accept.

To this day, I'm in the process of accepting myself.

Being myself.

Understanding myself.

And, as I understand myself and accept myself some more, I begin to understand others.

I understand how to love another a lot more when I understand where my love comes from.

To understand your needs will be a vehicle to understanding the needs of others.

To understand one's own life, will bring one closer to accepting it as it comes.

A better sense of acceptance brings a person closer to a more thorough sense of identity.

Before you begin to look at the life of others for understanding, one must engage in deep introspection

Maybe once the sun rises, at this or another venue, I will rise too.